Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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