saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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