Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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