i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
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think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I had to cum in my sink.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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