I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I believe in your delicious
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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