I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
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I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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