my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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