I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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