My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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