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ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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