Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize