i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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