This is not my ceiling
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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