Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why did my mother make you get naked?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize