Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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