When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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