it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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