I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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