on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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