apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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