her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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