Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize