i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
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I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This is classic penis vs brain.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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