I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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