So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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