i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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