I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
someone owes me an orgasm
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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