i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
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You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
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Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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