he shaved USA in his pubs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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