I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
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there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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