I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
even my farts smell like vagina
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
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I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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