is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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