My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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