O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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