I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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