My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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