i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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