im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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