i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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