your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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