I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
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It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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