You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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