I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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