I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
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Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
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my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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