Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize