I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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