im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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