Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize