dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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