by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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